Unpacking SELF-ESTEEM, PREFERENCES, AND THE MEDIA'S INFLUENCE
Written by Lorraine
What's Your Self-Esteem Anthem?
I remember when Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass" became MY ANTHEM, belting in my bedroom every. single. word. with emphasis to "EVERY INCH OF YOU IS PERFECT. FROM THE BOTTOM TO THE TOP!" My plus sized, big bootied, luscious, curvacious, and thick thighed self finally had a song that reflected ME and the highs and lows of being a body size that isn't highly praised in media, music, movies, and television. That song, to me, was a huge "EFF YOU" to the world's unrealistic beauty standards on women and a triumphant "I AM *insert every positive word in the English dictionary*!" I hope every reader has their own personal song that reflects that same feeling of self lovery and empowerment of their natural bodies. It truly becomes necessary to have that individual song playing in your head when you start dating and exploring your sexuality.
Vs. The Lack Thereof for Men
However….this post is not a koombayah sister circle about self-esteem and confidence building. This is more of a reflection about an observation I made about the dating and sexual lives of women, who have anthems that make them feel good about themselves about their natural bodies, skin, and hair...and men who do not, YET face the very same issues of self-esteem! Further adding on the effects of this...I found the need to shine a light on and spark a conversation about it!
Preferences: BIGGER The Better
Ladies, let's talk about this debate I came across in my own dating experience and quite a few conversations I had with black Maddonas and females of all colors across the heterosexual spectrum. Many of these women had a PREFERENCE in an above average penis size with the men they dated and had sex with. MOST women I conversed prefered a man to have a penis LARGER than 6 inches, when the average erect penis size is 5.1 inches according to Medical News Today 2018 AND the average DEPTH of a woman's vagina is between 3-7 inches. Now from my understanding, some women can not feel satisfied sexually with small penis. One of my Black Madonnas described it as "not eating enough food and you still feeling hungry", and for all the fellas who ain't packing length, girth or necessary oral skills to compensate, for some women it's a simple response: "they ain't getting none"!
These conversations left me speechless. In a world where women preach "all body types matter" and the need of constant reassurance about one's own bodies to feel confident and sexy , SOME are doing the exact opposite when it comes to their dating and sexual lives. The same way you can feel insecure about your own body and what you may lack due to society's beauty standards....OTHERS DO TO! Including men. Which left me to question: where does one's dating and sexual preference come from? More specifically, where does this obsession of overly large penises that can barely fit inside a vagina come from and why is it a thing when it sounds goddamn painful!?
The Media's Influence
I was quick to answer that question with "OH BECAUSE of the hyper sexualization and fetishization of black people in this damn country..". Although that answer sits well with me and others who knows what I am talking about, I will break down that theory in a future "BLACK MADONNA" post. However, today I must shine a light on the media's influence on what is seen and portrayed as "sexy" that has an effect on someone's preference. If you are naive enough to believe that your dating and sexual preference has NOTHING to do with the media you consume, I'm sorry to tell you this but it does in some way. Big butts and THICK CHOCOLATE BEARDED men became sexy to me after a period of time thanks to social media, movies, music, and television. It may not COMPLETELY affect you as much as your neighborhood and the people you see everyday, your individual dating experiences, your peers and their dating experiences, and even your own parents, but it does.
Trust me, I KNOW women have a shit load of issues to deal with in this country. Regardless of ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, and religion, I KNOW all about the double standards reeking in this post. "How are you calling ME out about MY PREFERENCES when MEN DO THE SAME SHIT". Yup. They do. But this isn't about them. This is about YOU and how YOU can be a better dater and sexually active person in this FUCKED UP double standard filled society we live in. I purposely chose not to mention the men who made headlines for the shitty way they advertised their preferences by discriminating against fat women and dark-skinned women. I purposely chose to write about something we should all be conscious of: our individual preferences and where it stems from and the effect we have on others and our society when we fail to acknowledge and appreciate the beauty of aspects a person can not easily change about themselves. Now where's Saweetie with a more inclusive version of "My Type"!